fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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