I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Bring me that man meat
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
