We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
