So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
