My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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