You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
