As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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