Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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