I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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