i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
