got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
