There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
