you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
