"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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