It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
