i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
