I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
