'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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