Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How's work?
Spinning.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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