also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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