i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
