why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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