My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
