You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
