Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
