I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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