so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
