You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
