She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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