were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you didnt know i had herpes?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
