i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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