Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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