What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
