What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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