a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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