Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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