She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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