I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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