I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
