The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
