White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
as a side note pls kill me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
