he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
