I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
