My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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