If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
