watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
