i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
