life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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