I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
