If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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