This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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